Why Success Made Me Miserable - And How I Learned to Live Again

The year was 2024. I was at the peak of my professional career as Head of Machine Learning at a Silicon Valley startup. I had (and still have) an amazing wife, a supporting family, and an incredible dog. And yet, I was as miserable as I could be as a human being. I could clearly tell that something was missing, something that I actually had a long time but somehow lost through the cracks of everyday life.

It took me several months and therapy sessions to discover that what I was missing most was, not something I could buy: my own sense of meaning. I’m sure we all were faced with this question at some point or another. Some of us might have found that meaning, but I suspect most of us are still actively trying to find it, or, like me, have forgotten to even look for it. But having forgotten it, a refresher on what exactly I was looking for was (and is) important.

What is meaning then?

As an academic, one of the first things I was taught was that a proper definition of your subject of study is critical to actually learning something about it. It gives not only the scope of what your work is, but can also lead you to consider other avenues of thought that were previously hidden by murky descriptions of your goal. So what is the meaning of life after all, and how to pursue it?

When asking what meaning really is, it helps to turn to someone who endured life at its harshest—Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl.

Viktor Frankl was an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist that was deported to concentration camps along with his family. His wife and parents unfortunately perished during these dark times, and during the time spent on such horrific conditions where only despair flourished, Frankl noticed something: his fellow prisoners who could hold on to a sense of purpose or meaning (i.e. imagining family reunions, holding on to higher responsibilities) were the ones more resilient to this despair.

After being liberated, Frankl started investigating this phenomenon and led him to study what is this purpose or meaning, and how can we make ourselves better by using it. According to him, meaning is something to be discovered in the world through direct experiences, rather than something that depends solely on looking within ourselves. He goes one step further and says that there is no universal meaning of life, which means that our concept of meaning can vary from individual to individual and even from day to day. It's not only found by directly experiencing the world, but also evolves and changes over time (as ourselves), and is unique to every individual. We are constantly being challenged by life itself and being asked constantly to find our own meaning among all that chaos. As Frankl puts it:

“Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life;"
Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning, p. 109 (2006 Beacon edition).

Other researchers have studied the concept of meaning of life (and the search for it), and arrived at similar definitions. I'm going to take the liberty of summarizing some of them in the following statement:

Meaning is the intricate web of connections, experiences, and understandings about the world that gives our lives a coherence, a sense that we are more than the sum of its parts and the passing of seconds, minutes and years.

So meaning is about: 1) understanding ourselves, our place in the world, and how the world works (comprehension); 2) what our goals and values are, and how do we put them forth in the world (purpose); and finally 3) how do we leave our mark in the world, and make our lives significant (legacy).

But where does that leave us in terms of finding such meaning out there? According to Frankl, we can find meaning on 1) what we give to the world (work, actions); 2) what we take in (beauty, love, art, relationships); and 3) how do we face unavoidable suffering. Needless to say, Frankl had to rely heavily on the last one, which he called "the last of the human freedoms".

Furthermore, as Frankl puts it: life itself has meaning. So if you try to live more out of your life (that is, live according to your values, your goals and your True Self), the more meaning your life has. This means that searching for meaning in itself is a form of actively living, and vice-versa. So the sheer act of discovering who you are, what you stand for, and what you leave in the world is both life and meaning, intertwined in the chaos of the everyday. We create meaning by living and experiencing what is around us, and this in turn will make us more fulfilled (at least, that is my personal hope).

Why is meaning important

Great! We finally understand what the so called meaning of life is. So what? Does everybody needs to find it? Why should I even look for it in the first place?

No. If you feel that you don't need to find purpose on what you do, and that life does not have purpose by itself, by all means, as long as you are happy with it. What motivated me into this search is the fact that I was unhappy with my life, no matter how successful I was professionally. And if you are at that place too, grinding in an everyday job that keeps you away from what/who you love, and feel worn down day after day by Father Time, I have good news for you.

Recent research has shown that meaning in life has an association with physical health and wellbeing, including lower age-related cognitive decline, mortality rates, burnout and even cardiovascular diseases (see References for more details). So finding meaning in your life can definitely help you live a better life. I'm not saying that looking for this meaning is an easy (or even satisfying) task, but finding it seems to certainly be worth it.

Meaning at the age of AI

We’re living in a strange time. Machines can now paint, compose, and even write articles (not this one though!). The very activities we once thought uniquely human are being outsourced to algorithms. If AI can generate beauty, productivity, and even companionship — then where does that leave us?

To answer that, we need to go back to the time of campfires and gatherings in primal times, where hunter-gatherers bundled together to hear the latest story on how the tribe succeeded. Humans have always been drawn to stories, and creating/hearing them helps us understand the world we live in, connect us, and even create our own sense of identity: all the basic ingredients we just discovered that makes up for the meaning of life.

But if storytelling was once an integral part of the human experience, philosopher Byung-Chul Han warns that in today’s digital world, storytelling itself is in crisis. Thanks to social networks, we became storysellers, more focused on creating stories that optimized for clicks and lazy consumption than really sparking interest, community, and healthy dialogue. And AI is definitely increasing this trend. The key to meaning in this age, in my opinion, is about resisting this trend of storyselling, and creating our own narrative as an important part of ourselves. It is about reclaiming the authorship over the story of who we are, where we've been, and where we are going (some psychologists, like Dan McAdams describe this as narrative identity).

That's great, but how can we do that? It is simple: by finding meaning in everyday acts, rituals and routines (something similar to what the Japanese describe as ikigai - more on that later). Examples include journaling (literally narrating our experiences to ourselves); the act of creating rituals and repeated acts that gives us a sense of control/and purpose (it can be as simple as reading poetry every morning, or making a cup of coffee in a mindful way); active storytelling (like this one!), and sharing experiences to a community with a goal that is not just commercial; and, of course, the big one: placing our stories as part of an even bigger one (here is where spirituality and religion generally plays a big role).

My form of Meaning

Meaning, I’ve realized, is less about uncovering a grand truth and more about creating a rhythm of life that feels true. If AI is threatening to automate meaning out of existence, then the best act of resistance is to live fully, intentionally, and imperfectly human. It is about taking back control of our own narrative, and start putting our own story out there.

For me, living again started small. I began slowly moving letting myself notice the world instead of rushing through it. I started moving away from the digital, and back to the analog, to allow myself to slow down and fully take every experience to heart. It started with something simple, like replacing a smartwatch for an analog watch, and a laptop for pen and paper. I even completely recreated the way I learn by using analog systems (shoutout to the Zettelkasten method - and more on that in future posts).

Another way that I'm finding meaning again in my life is through everyday rituals, from the simple process of brewing coffee to actually reconnecting to something I thought I outgrew: spirituality. Spirituality has been to me that part of meaning that talks about what to do when we face unavoidable suffering (Frankl's last of human freedom). I'm going to talk about that forgotten part of myself, and how can one pursue spirituality in a rational way. If you want to know more, stay tuned!

What about your own sense of meaning—have you found it/changed it already?
If you're still searching, you're not alone. Let's explore it together.
And if you have found something worth sharing, we’d love to hear from you.
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References

Viktor Frankl & Meaning

• Frankl, V. E. (1963/2014). Man’s Search for Meaning. Beacon Press.
• Frankl, V. E. (1969). The Will to Meaning: Foundations and Applications of Logotherapy. New American Library.
• Frankl, V. E. (1997). Man’s Search for Ultimate Meaning. Perseus Publishing.

Psychological Models of Meaning

• Baumeister, R. F. (1991). Meanings of Life. Guilford Press.
• Park, C. L. (2010). Making sense of the meaning literature: An integrative review of meaning making and its effects on adjustment to stressful life events. Psychological Bulletin, 136(2), 257–301. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0018301
• Steger, M. F. (2012). Making meaning in life. Psychological Inquiry, 23(4), 381–385. https://doi.org/10.1080/1047840X.2012.720832
• Martela, F., & Steger, M. F. (2016). The three meanings of meaning in life: Distinguishing coherence, purpose, and significance. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 11(5), 531–545. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2015.1137623

Meaning & Health/Wellbeing

• Boyle, P. A., Barnes, L. L., Buchman, A. S., & Bennett, D. A. (2009). Purpose in life is associated with mortality among community-dwelling older persons. Psychosomatic Medicine, 71(5), 574–579. https://doi.org/10.1097/PSY.0b013e3181a5a7c0
• Ryff, C. D. (2014). Psychological well-being revisited: Advances in the science and practice of eudaimonia. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics, 83(1), 10–28. https://doi.org/10.1159/000353263
• Cohen, R., Bavishi, C., & Rozanski, A. (2016). Purpose in life and its relationship to all-cause mortality and cardiovascular events: A meta-analysis. Psychosomatic Medicine, 78(2), 122–133. https://doi.org/10.1097/PSY.0000000000000274
• King, L. A., & Hicks, J. A. (2021). The Science of Meaning in Life. Annual Review of Psychology, 72, 561–584. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-072420-122921
• Czekierda, K., Banik, A., Park, C. L., & Luszczynska, A. (2017). Meaning in life and physical health: Systematic review and meta-analysis. Health Psychology Review, 11(4), 387–418. https://doi.org/10.1080/17437199.2017.1327325

Narrative & Identity

• McAdams, D. P. (2001). The psychology of life stories. Review of General Psychology, 5(2), 100–122. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.5.2.100
• Singer, J. A. (2004). Narrative identity and meaning making across the adult lifespan: An introduction. Journal of Personality, 72(3), 437–460. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.0022-3506.2004.00268.x
• Han, B.-C. (2024). The Crisis of Narration (D. Steuer, Trans.). Polity Press
• Smith, D., Schlaepfer, P., Major, K., Dyble, M., Page, A. E., Thompson, J., Chaudhary, N., Salali, G. D., Mace, R., Astete, L., Ngales, M., Vinicius, L., & Migliano, A. B. (2017). Cooperation and the evolution of hunter-gatherer storytelling. Nature Communications, 8, Article 1853. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41467-017-02036-8